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Emotional Manipulation

Emotional manipulation is a sort of “covert” behavior – one person’s subtle actions or words intended to influence another. It’s a way of seizing or maintaining control without directly addressing the central issue, whatever that may be. Manipulation is disrespectful, undermines communication and is a threat to relationships of all kinds.

Sometimes we don’t know that we are being manipulated. If we are trusting and not suspicious by nature, we tend to believe that other people are trustworthy and take their words at face value. In some cases, manipulators don’t even recognize their own behavior as manipulative.

Here are a couple of examples:

Bob and Mary have agreed to go somewhere together. Let’s say they’re going to drive to Mary’s sister’s house. Bob doesn’t want to go. But instead of saying that he doesn’t want to go and talking with Mary until they reach a reasonable compromise, Bob presents a series of excuses for postponing the trip – medical issues, car problems, an old friend from out of town, a forgotten commitment. Bob may not even realize he’s doing this, but he is manipulating the situation – and Mary’s emotions – until Mary is caught between her commitment to Bob and her commitment to her sister.

In another manipulative twist on the same situation, Bob might deny that he had ever agreed to go with Mary to her sister’s house. Or he might try to blame Mary by accusing her of dragging him away from his work or his rare moments of free time, saying, “We always do what YOU want to do.”

In these situations, Mary can’t make an accurate reading of the situation or come up with a workable solution because their reality is skewed by Bob’s actions.

There are many forms of emotional manipulation, from subtle “white lies” to blatant falsehoods, from taking advantage of someone’s weakness to taking advantage of their kindness. Manipulators blame, patronize, pout, sulk, brag, bully, guilt-trip, play the victim and draw attention to themselves. They play on others’ emotions, always putting themselves in the best light.

The best defense against emotional manipulation in a relationship is to establish strong communication and make a commitment to the truth. Being truthful doesn’t mean being hurtful. It means speaking honestly, from the heart, accepting one’s own feelings, respecting the other person and working together toward a win-win solution.

In our example, Bob and Mary could have made some alternate plans that would serve both of them. Perhaps they could visit Mary’s sister together for a while, then Bob could leave Mary with her sister while he visits a friend or takes care of some errands. Or they could have agreed to shorten the visit in order to make time to do something together they both enjoy. To preserve harmony in their relationship, Mary could have visited her sister alone. There are numerous options in just about any situation if both partners are honest about their feelings and willing to compromise some of the time.

Developing strong communication and helping partners break patterns of manipulation are skills that can be enhanced through relationship counseling.

For a free phone consult, call Dr. Fibus at 818.395.2832.

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