Articles
Boundaries
Some romantic and spiritual language encourages couples to think of themselves as “one” or “merged” or “two halves of a whole.” But in fact it takes two clearly identified individuals to build a healthy relationship. The more the partners rely on the relationship for their sense of self, the less fulfilling their relationship will be.
Our sense of self within a relationship allows us to provide support to the other partner and meet the daily challenges of our life together. It allows us to communicate and to grow within the relationship.
What we call boundaries are the lines we draw between Self and Other. Our boundaries offer us some protection and they allow us to become stronger as individuals even as we become stronger as a couple.
Boundaries are not impenetrable walls. They allow us to be close and truly intimate – or to keep our distance – in an emotionally healthy way.
We learn about boundaries in our families of origin. When parents fulfill their own needs and create their own identities through their children, the children may grow up without a clear sense of themselves. Children may be made to feel guilty if they don’t “take care” of a parent’s needs or submit to an adult’s pressure, whether it’s physical, sexual, emotional or intellectual.
As adults, those children may expect their identity to come from others – a controlling or emotionally needy parent or partner, for example – or they may wall themselves off to prevent the trust and emotional vulnerability that comes with a healthy relationship. They may feel they are nothing without the relationship and “will do anything” to make it work.
Having good boundaries means being able to say No and to set limits on our involvement with other people and activities. It also allows us to offer our support and affection without giving ourselves away to the other person.
Honoring each person, including ourselves, as an individual – with valid tastes, opinions, needs and emotions – is essential to establishing healthy boundaries.
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