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The Mid-Life Surprise

For middle-aged couples, the 'mid-life surprise' usually means one of two things: an unplanned pregnancy or an affair. Let's look for a moment at the latter.

The relationship seems fine: modest economic stability, kids doing okay, no big fights. Then one day, apparently without a bit of warning, one of the partners drops a bomb: he or she is having an affair, is 'in love,' wants 'space,' is moving out or wants a divorce, right now.

The surprised partner may feel overwhelmed. Feelings of anger, blame and guilt – what did I do wrong? – rise up alongside efforts to look for clues that might have offered some warning. The 'clues' are often there: the new sports car or motorcycle, a sudden change of hairstyle or clothing, unusual work or travel commitments, even the classic 'lipstick on the collar' or fragrance of cologne or perfume lingering on an article of clothing.

But the clues are distractions from the more pressing problem: what to do now (or, if the marriage hasn't reached this crisis yet, how to prevent it).

Just like the individuals within it, a relationship is a living, breathing entity. It requires nurturing, protection and food. If it's wounded, it needs attention, care and healing. Couples in long-term relationships sometimes forget to 'feed' their relationship. They fall into habits – patterns of sameness that dull the spark of interest and make the individuals particularly vulnerable to outside temptations.

In the interest of 'peace' or expediency, couples may make concessions within their marriage, not asking for what they want, ignoring their own discomfort, not expressing negative or positive feelings. Their communication fades as they grow out of the practice of talking with each other, of being creative and excited about life together.

Affairs are painful, often for both partners. But couples who seek counseling can often survive (or prevent) the pain, find new life in their marriage and even rekindle the sparks that drew them to each other in the first place.



For a free phone consult, call Dr. Fibus at 818.395.2832.

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