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Keeping the Spark in a Long-Term Relationship

Change is inevitable within a long-lasting marriage. The excitement, electricity and attraction of the relationship's early days fade with time. Practical matters of work, family, home and money deplete our energy and sometimes weight the relationship with irritations. We're older. We're tired.

Sometimes these alterations are so small and subtle that it comes as a shock when we realize our feelings have changed. We find we've become critical of our spouse's behavior – things that never bothered us before, things we may have once found adorable! We'd rather watch TV or play solitaire than plan something with our husband or wife. We no longer have a sex life worth mentioning.

When we begin a relationship, we are convinced this day will never come. But even in the best relationships, it does, to one degree or another. So how do we keep the spark in a long-term relationship? Here are a few ideas:

- Find something you admire about your partner – and tell him or her.

- Find something to laugh about, whether it's a funny movie, a shared memory or a favorite joke.

- Smile. The genuine smiles we share with our partner are non-verbal expressions of intimacy and appreciation. When life is mundane, we need the healing balm of just seeing a smile on our partner's face.

- Identify something that you dislike in your own behavior in the relationship and work to change it. Perhaps it's nagging or being bossy; maybe it's wolfing your food or never offering to help.

- Be affectionate. As relationships continue, the romantic gestures of new love – hugging, hand-holding, touching, kissing – often fall by the wayside. These actions tell our partner that we care, that we want to remain close. They are reassuring, comforting and important for long-term happiness.

- Go out on dates. Getting out of the day-to-day grind refreshes our interest in the world and gives us a shared experience to talk about. Go for a hike, see a movie, visit a museum.

- Make physical intimacy a priority. This may be one of the biggest challenges for couples who have been together a long time, but it may also be one of the most important and rewarding steps we can take.

A caring relationship counselor can help you find the spark that's still thriving in your marriage and help you find ways to keep the interest alive.

For a free phone consult, call Dr. Fibus at 818.395.2832.

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