Relationships...

However strong—or weak—your romantic partnership is today, why not make it better?
You can have a relationship that is more meaningful, more committed and more fun.

All you need are the right tools to begin constructing a happier life together.

Over and over, statistics demonstrate the sad condition of today’s relationships.

People are unhappy in their marriages, turn to divorce and, sadly, are equally unhappy in their remarriages.

We believe—we know!—you don’t have to add your relationship to these statistics.

Instead of making the mistakes that “everyone else” makes, let’s figure out what’s right with your love life

(even if you think there’s nothing right at all!) and use that to rebuild a dynamic, loving, long-lasting relationship.

  Does this sound familiar?

“My wife always says, ‘What are you thinking about?’ If I tell her the truth, she doesn’t believe me and if I don’t say anything, she gets mad.”

“When we got home from work, my husband and I used to have a glass of wine together and talk about our day.

 Now he has a six pack of beer and falls asleep in his chair right after dinner.”

“My spouse has no sympathy for the pressure I’m under.”

“Our marriage used to be romantic; now it’s kids, laundry and constant struggling to make ends meet.”

“I have a better-paying job than my husband, but instead of being happy that I can pitch in more toward household expenses, he’s gotten more and more resentful.”

“We used to make love. What happened?”

“My husband’s ex has started to spend more time at our house. She says she just wants to see the kids, but I’m not comfortable. He won’t do anything.”

“Sometimes I just get so furious…”

“My husband got really angry and he pushed me as he stormed out of the house. I know he didn’t mean to hurt me.”

“How can I tell if my wife is lying to me?”

 
“For the last few months, my husband comments on every slender woman he sees and makes snide remarks about the food I eat. It hurts my feelings.

If any of these situations sound familiar, relationship coaching can help you

heal the wounds and find common ground.

When your romantic relationship improves, your whole life will improve.

Why wait?

What are Your Relationship Goals?

Are you beginning a new relationship, holding together a damaged one or renewing your vows with the love of your life? Whatever stage your relationship is at, it can be better, stronger, healthier—and more fun!

If you want to…

• find common ground on challenging issues, such as money, religion, child-rearing and intimacy
• stop repeating the same destructive behaviors
• keep a great relationship going
• save a relationship that’s on the verge of breaking up
• move forward out of the “stuck zone” from an earlier therapy experience
• be a better model for your children
• make a better start of a second or third marriage than you did with the first
• have more fun in your relationship

You and your loved one can benefit from counseling.

Couples of every age and every relationship stage can set and meet goals that will enrich their life together. If it’s time to redefine, enrich and renew your relationship, I’d be very pleased to help you take the first steps in this exciting process.

Infidelity

If your spouse/partner has been unfaithful, you are probably feeling

• Outraged
• Deeply wounded
• In pain—mental, physical or both
• Insulted
• Stupid for not knowing before
• Suspicious of everything your partner does or says
• Hatred of your partner and possibly yourself
• Total lack of trust

You may be unable to stop thinking about how you have been used and abused. You may be going back over

everything you and your spouse have done together and examining it for signs of infidelity. You may

believe that your relationship is completely broken and you have no choice but to end it now.

If you have been unfaithful to your spouse/partner, you may be feeling

• That you’ve found the “love of your life”
• Justified in straying because of something your spouse has done
• Happy to be with someone who doesn’t know all your shortcomings
• Relieved to find an “easy out” of a bad relationship
• Glad to have found a way to force problems to the surface
• Guilt
• Remorse
• That you’d like to be able to undo your infidelity

Infidelity is an urgent “cry for help” in a relationship. It is a painful sign that something, or many things, are wrong.

No matter what the two partners are feeling, no matter how impossible the situation seems today,

relationship counseling following infidelity offers both partners an opportunity to learn, to salvage their

dignity, to develop communication that protects their family from harm, and to address the issues that

led to the infidelity, however complex.

Even after the deep insult of infidelity, relationship counseling is empowering—for the individuals, for the

couple and for the family. It provides a safe context for healing wounds, for meeting challenges and for

making difficult decisions about the future.

Intimacy

Many people think that intimacy is the same as sex, but it’s much more than that. To be intimate is to allow

yourself to be vulnerable with another person.

Sensuality is one way of being intimate. Sensuality is the ability to touch and feel very connected to one another,

to hug, hold hands, look into each other’s eyes, to see and be willing to be seen, even to speak openly and to

be open to sensitive feelings. Sensuality may build toward sexual intimacy, or it may not. It is a satisfying

end in itself—and it can lead to more satisfying sexual experiences.

Some people grew up in families that did not allow or encourage intimacy, touching or sensuality. They

may not know how to allow themselves to be open and vulnerable with another person. Intimacy may

feel uncomfortable, threatening or overwhelming.

Intimacy, sensuality and sexuality are forms of communication within a relationship. They offer a rich

and many-layered vocabulary that can intensify the relationship, allow the individuals to thrive and continually

renew the couple’s commitment to one another.

Making your relationship safe for intimacy—with or without sex—is the goal of intimacy coaching. You will feel better about your partner, better about your relationship and better about yourself.

Relationship Counseling and Coaching

Coaching/counseling is not a one-size-fits-all process. As individuals, and as a couple, you are unique.

Finding the right approach to help you make the most of your life together is our first goal.

Only 7% of communication is words; 93% of communication is other than words. Over the last 28+ years

Dr. Fibus has responded to each new client by listening and truly paying attention to both their verbal

and non-verbal communications.

That attentive approach helps Dr. Fibus learn what has and has not worked for the couple in the past and to

formulate a direction that will be productive, safe and meaningful to the partners. By seeking and building

upon what works—even when it may seem to the couple that nothing works—the relationship can be

repaired, renewed and even restarted.

From his experience working with more than 2,500 individuals and couples, Dr. Fibus will work with you

to help your relationship heal and thrive. Among his many approaches, which may be used individually

or in combination, are Growing a Great Relationship, Pre-marriage counseling, IMAGO Relationship

Therapy, PAIRS, Mars/Venus, and Hot Monogamy. Click on the links to learn more about each

counseling method.

More than ever before, relationship coaching offers a bounty of resources to help you identify and reach your

goals. The best time to begin is now.

Growing a Great Relationship

Dr. Fibus’s “Growing a Great Relationship” program is the direct outgrowth of his personal experience

working with thousands of clients over nearly three decades. Those clients, including numerous professional

colleagues (other doctors, psychologists, social workers and marriage & family counselors) were each seeking innovative solutions to the problems that plagued their intimate relationships.

Through his own extensive training, empathy and experience as a partner in a great relationship,

Dr. Fibus watched, listened and grasped how these individuals resisted and sabotaged what

they seemed to be yearning for so passionately. Building upon that understanding, he slowly designed

a program that would educate and reward couples for their successful behavior.

Growing a Great Relationship is a couple-specific integrated coaching program that produces results

for those whose relationships are in trouble as well as those who are looking for greater satisfaction

within an already-functional partnership.

Anger and Passion Management in Your Significant Relationship

Conflict in our personal relationships is normal. Differences in our backgrounds, experiences, priorities and

values can lead to misunderstandings or hurt feelings. Many of us lack the communication skills to

resolve these feelings, so our emotions boil up and we get angry. Over time, such continuing conflicts

lead to the deterioration or even the end of our relationships.

Unmanaged anger can lead to spousal abuse and violence in the family, often through a repeated

cycle of break-up-then-make-up. Failed relationships—and relationships marked by frequent heated

conflicts—can be incredibly painful for adults; they are even more painful for children caught in the

middle. When the people a child relies upon for food, shelter and love are at each other’s throats,

that child may blame him- or herself for the anger, grow increasingly fearful of abandonment

and, most sadly, have nowhere to turn for comfort. Such a child may experience depression, sleep

disorders, loss of self-esteem, poor academic performance, behavioral regression and a host

of other physical and emotional disorders—conditions that only worsen as time and conflicts go on.

Possible signs of anger in your relationship

1. Screaming or verbal abuse
2. Bullying
3. Door slamming
4. Sarcasm, inappropriate joking
5. Blaming others, especially spouse
6. Threats
7. Lies
8. Refusing to talk
9. Physical symptoms, such as digestive problems, ulcers, raised blood pressure
10. Change of eating or sleeping habits
11. Reckless driving
12. Depression
13. Violence toward objects, such as throwing or breaking things
14. Unusual risk-taking
15. Use of drugs or alcohol
16. Poor self-esteem
17. Lack of emotions
18. Problems at work or in public

If anger has poisoned your relationship, even if you have “lost hope” or feel your relationship is beyond

repair, you can benefit from relationship coaching. You and your significant other can learn to recognize

the triggers that cause escalating anger and to create effective signals and skills to cope with emotions

before they boil over.

Dr. Fibus is creative and extraordinarily sensitive to the manner in which people experience and express their

feelings. In his work with couples, he creates a unique counseling environment to meet the exact needs

of each couple. He establishes a safety zone where conversation and change can be explored without risk, where skills can be tested and where new discoveries can be interpreted and used to promote growth.

Pre-Marriage Counseling

Disaster responders report that the biggest spike in the sale of earthquake preparedness kits is AFTER

there has been an earthquake. Unfortunately, many couples take the same approach to their marriage,

not seeking help until their problems are too big to ignore.

In his pre-marital coaching, Dr. Fibus uses a technique he calls “future pacing.” This involves looking

ahead to see where problems might arise in the future and to deal with them now, before they materialize.

This “rehearsal” training allows couples to be more conscious of potential breakdowns, to take problems

seriously and to forge their own effective communication tools instead of relying on the way “everyone else”

around them manages their own not-so-successful relationships.

Planning and practicing pays off, whether this is a first marriage or a re-marriage for one or both partners. In

an extremely safe environment, the couple is nurtured through discovery into a place where their relationship

is as good in reality as it is in their imagination.

"I help individuals and couples to create and maintain healthy, high-functioning and positive

            romantic relationships that meet their highest ideals."   M. Jay Fibus, Ph.D.

Marriage…Did You Know?

• Married people live longer and healthier lives.*
  
• As a marriage improves over time, so does the reported health of the husband and wife.
  
• Married men and women report less depression, less anxiety and lower levels of other types of psychological distress than do those who are single, divorced or widowed.
  
• Married sex is better sex
  
• Married men’s wages rise faster than those of unmarried men of comparable age and skill.
  
• Permissive divorce attitudes do more than encourage divorce; they actually make happy marriages less likely.
  
• A couple’s decision to divorce creates health risks for their children that persist long into adulthood. One study followed the life course of a group of highly advantaged kids—white, middle class, with an IQ of at least 135—through their 70s and found that their parents’ divorce lowered the adult children’s life expectancy by four years.
  
• Even after researchers took economic hardship into account, adults from “broken families” were 70% more likely to have circulatory problems, 56% percent more likely to show signs of mental illness, 27% more likely to report chronic aches and pains and 26% more likely to rate their overall health as poor.
  
• Adult children of divorced families are less likely to be happily married and more likely to divorce than children whose parents stayed married.
  
• The effects of divorce on net worth are cumulative and long-lasting. One sociologist compared the assets of people in their 50s who had originally married in their 20s. Getting and staying married was by far the best strategy for accumulating assets. By contrast, having been divorced reduced wealth quite substantially, and early divorces had a bigger impact than late-life divorces. Each year spent unmarried decreased total wealth by 3.5 percent. Those who divorced young and did not remarry were particularly disadvantaged as they approached retirement.
  
• When it comes to building wealth or avoiding poverty, a stable marriage may be your most important asset.
  
• Research shows that unhappy couples wait six years, on average, before they seek outside help, that 50 to 60 percent of marriages end in divorce and that 90 percent of those who stay married claim to be “unhappy."

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