Articles
Keeping Relationships Alive
As we begin an intimate relationship, we are flooded with optimism. With the romantic, emotional and physical attentions of our partner, our pressing worries and self-doubts seem to vanish. We feel attractive, energized and excited. We may feel relieved that the dating scene is behind us and we've found "the one" at last.
The good feelings persist…for a while. But one day, after some weeks or months, or, if we're lucky, years, we suddenly realize that some of the glow has dimmed, that our partner is not quite the perfect person we had imagined and, alas, the relationship has not permanently solved our problems with work, family, money and overeating.
We may begin to feel critical or sensitive about our partner's behavior. We may notice that the burden of responsibility in the relationship is out of balance. We may find ourselves spending more time alone – or together – than we want.
Whatever our concerns or complaints at this point, we tend to blame our partner for changing. It's our partner who has "pulled away" or become "clingy," our partner who "nags" or "never listens," our partner who "works all the time" or "doesn't contribute," who "always ______" or "never _______" fill in the blank.
It's easy to overlook the changes in ourselves; we don't seem particularly different because we've simply gone back to being the person we were before the relationship started. We've returned to our "real life" self. The fault, we imagine, is with our partner.
This is a critical point in a relationship. Without attention and care, it can begin a pattern of discord and disappointment that eventually ends in break-up.
Part of the problem is that, in those early days of romance, we might have imagined that our mate was going to fill all the blank spaces in our life. He or she was supposed to be strong where we were weak, rescue us from loneliness and heal our psychic and emotional wounds. But, like us, our partner is "merely" human – a being with strengths and weaknesses who struggles with life like everyone else.
Each partner's role in the relationship is not to "fix" the other partner; rather, it is to contribute toward a whole that is greater than the sum of its parts.
So how, as intimate partners, do we sustain our relationship?
The answer has two parts and they both involve exploration, learning and growth. In one, the subject of our exploration is within ourselves, as individuals; in the other, the subject is our relationship and is something we explore together.
To sustain a mature relationship, we have to be able to take care of ourselves as individuals. We have to find the resources within ourselves to deal with our loneliness, self-esteem issues and identity. Our partner can offer us support and feedback, but if we don't accept and appreciate ourselves, we can't expect our partner to do so.
It was our unique character that attracted our mate in the first place. If we abandon our identity to "meld" into the relationship, we aren't so much gaining the relationship as losing our selves.
To sustain a mature relationship, we need to understand the boundaries that differentiate us from one another. We cannot expect our partner to feel our emotions, to read our mind or to know the answers to questions we are unable to answer for ourselves. Instead of relying on our partner to make us feel better, we need to learn to "self-soothe."
Interestingly, as we become stronger and more clearly differentiated as individuals, we strengthen our relationship rather than weakening it. This self-examination is not a one-time process; it's a lifetime commitment.
Having initiated our exploration of ourselves, this is the time to work together to develop the communication skills that will allow us to honor our individuality and sustain our relationship for the many years to come.
For a free phone consult, call Dr. Fibus at 818.395.2832.
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