Relationship Advice
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In the early days of a relationship, we’re usually pretty happy. We feel good about our partner, our partnership and ourselves. Whatever issues hover at the margins – money, family, employment – things seem manageable in the glow of new love.
But eventually, things settle down, reality settles in and one day we realize that we’re not quite as happy in the relationship as we once were. As we start to wonder what happened, our first reaction might be to blame our spouse: You’re not making me happy any more!
As logical as this may seem at the moment and as much as we may want it to be true, it is not our partner’s job to make us happy. Our spouse and our relationship certainly contribute to our happiness or unhappiness. But the only person who can truly make us happy is our self.
If we are unhappy, we need to explore the reasons, then design and implement the solutions. A counselor can be an extremely valuable ally in this process.
We may also find ourselves thinking that our partner ‘owes us’ something – that we have done more than our share in the relationship and we’re due compensation to ‘even things out.’ This may take the shape of money, sex, gifts, time or other forms of ‘payment.’ But in our marriage, as partners, we each have a responsibility to communicate our needs, expectations and limitations as we go along. Our relationship is not like a credit card, with a constant exchange of debt and repayment; it is a mutual commitment to a common goal that we agree upon, talk about and review.
If you feel shorted in your relationship, it may be time to talk with a skilled relationship counselor who can help you explore new ways to communicate, express yourself and be happy as individuals and as a couple.
For a free phone consult, call Dr. Fibus at 818.395.2832.
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Take Charge & Control Your Anger – Lakers Mavericks Fight on 3-31-11
Dr Fibus can help you take charge and control your anger. You can not control other’s anger and actions but you can control your response. Everyone gets angry like the situation between the Los Angeles Lakers and Dallas Mavericks where a fight broke out between Jason Terry, Matt Barnes, Steve Blake and Brendan Haywood, all of them ejected from the game. Learn to control your anger.
When Was the Last Time We Talked?
As partners in a relationship, we typically “talk without talking.” We exchange bits of information in passing – news about the kids, about upcoming appointments and events or requests of our partner to do something. We might even have brief exchanges about what happened during the day, but we rarely talk about subjects that are emotionally significant unless we are in the middle of a heated dispute.
“Talk time” is essential to the repair and maintenance of a healthy relationship. We should mark a time on the calendar, at least once a week, when we can talk with each other about our personal concerns. This is a safe, private time, when we won’t be disturbed or overheard, when we won’t be distracted by phones or television and when we won’t be tempted to run off to another commitment.
During our talk time, we will listen to each other, we will say what we feel and ask for what we want and we will speak honestly but not hurtfully. We will take turns talking.
These may sound like simple-enough instructions. But if your relationship is damaged, you may need help developing the skills and vocabulary to talk with one another. A relationship counselor can help your find the way into better communication and a richer partnership.
For a free phone consult, call Dr. Fibus at 818.395.2832.
Positive Communication for Better Relationships
When we’re sad, frustrated, angry, lonely or depressed, those feelings are communicated in the way we express ourselves. Even if we don’t mention the specifics about what’s bothering us, our underlying tone conveys a feeling of hopelessness or hostility. Perhaps you know someone who seems “angry at the world” every time you talk; after a while, you might even start looking for ways to avoid talking with that person, as if their unhappiness is contagious.
The good news is that the opposite is also true. When we focus on what’s good in our lives – what’s working, what’s exciting, what’s making us happy – that positive energy is expressed through our communication with others and it makes us more attractive. As we generate more positive responses in others, we lift ourselves into better health and better relationships as well.
But what if everything is less than peachy right now? How can we make ourselves into more positive-sounding people? Here are a few suggestions:
· Show interest in others. Ask questions about what others are doing and thinking. Make an effort to note their answers, and then ask for updates the next time you talk.
· Avoid blaming and negative comments. Negativity is contagious and you can catch it from yourself! Rather than remarking upon what’s bad or failing or unattractive, find something good to comment on – or don’t say anything.
· Smile.
· Listen.
· As you go through the week, make a note of everything that makes you feel even slightly happy. Perhaps it’s a treasured pet, time in your garden, something in nature or a heartwarming story you hear on the radio. Keep adding to your list.
· Give and receive compliments and praise. It’s easy to forget how good we feel when someone says something nice to us. If someone compliments you, don’t try to deny their words; smile and say “Thanks!”
· Find something to laugh about. Whether it’s a joke or a funny movie, laughing is good for the body and the spirit.
While these simple suggestions are designed to warm up our personal relationships, they don’t take the place of dealing with serious problems. Talking with a relationship counselor can make all the difference as we find our way out of dealing with anger, depression and unhappiness.
For a free phone consult, call Los Angeles Anger Management Therapist Dr. Fibus at 818.395.2832.
Good Relationships Don’t Happen Overnight
When we hear about someone who’s accomplished something impressive – climbing a mountain or publishing a book or learning a foreign language – we may think the person has some advantage that makes their accomplishment “easy” for them. The reality is that the mountain climber puts one foot in front of the other like the rest of us, the writer has probably crossed out more words than he or she has kept and the language learner has stumbled through hours and hours of mistakes and embarrassment before becoming fluent.
By the same token, we look at two people in a good relationship – if we’re fortunate enough to know such people – and we think they must be lucky, they must not have any problems. But good relationships don’t happen overnight. They require deep commitment, a willingness to forgive (both our partners and ourselves), a sense of humor and years of practice.
When we’re looking for a better relationship with our partner, we have to be willing to step up and make that commitment of time, energy and practice. We have to know that, like the mountain climber, we will get stronger and have fewer falls as we move forward. That, like the writer, we – both of us in the relationship – will say and do things that are awkward and in need of editing. That, like the language learner, if we find a great teacher, listen carefully and practice, practice, practice, we will eventually be able to understand each other.
The commitments we make to our relationship will also benefit us as individuals. They will enrich our friendships and bring new meaning to our work and our time. Our growing ability to communicate, listen, be patient and ask for help will strengthen us to meet the challenges of our daily lives.
If you and your spouse or partner are ready to make a commitment to change – a commitment to each other – begin by talking with a skilled, empathic relationship counselor.
For a free phone consult, call Dr. Fibus, relationship therapist in Los Angeles at 818.395.2832.
Anger and the Power of Apology
In 12-step programs, such as Alcoholics Anonymous, Steps 8 and 9 require the participant to make a list of those they have harmed, to become willing to make amends and then to make direct amends to those people, unless such an apology would cause injury.
In the process of emerging from our anger, this is a very important step. If we have injured others, emotionally or physically, and we are making productive steps toward managing our anger, we might be inclined to think that others will notice and welcome us back warmly. But that’s not the case. We weren’t angry all the time. Sometimes we were in good humor or affectionate; other times, without warning, we’d be fuming or violent. Little wonder that those close to us can’t be expected to think that our good behavior is here to stay.
What we must do is apologize to create a line of demarcation between our old, unconscious, angry behavior and our new, conscious and caring behavior.
Apologizing can be very challenging. We believe we have been righteous in our anger and to apologize seems like a terrible failure. It’s not. It’s a sign of deep compassion, intelligence and strength.
An apology does not mean that we must accept blame for everything that has ever happened between us. It means that we acknowledge the reality that we have hurt this other person in some way, that we accept responsibility for our own actions, that we make steps to heal our habits and relationships and that we can be trusted not to repeat those earlier mistakes.
To apologize sincerely we must put ourselves in the other person’s position and experience our own anger from their point of view. Then, from that compassionate perspective, we can begin to formulate a meaningful, sincere and lasting apology.
Our apology must be specific to the person. “I’m sorry if I ever hurt you” may sound nice, but it is not specific. Words such as “I see now that when I was angry I consistently blamed you for things you didn’t do and I was not honest with you about my own fears” could be an example of a more specific apology.
We also need to be specific about what we’re going to do that’s different. Making amends is not just “lip service.” It’s part of a larger anger-management process. How are we going to heal this relationship? What specific actions are we going to take to show this person that we are committed to change?
Making amends is a way of standing up for ourselves without being angry. It is an essential part of our healing, even if we don’t get the reaction we’re hoping for.
Damaged trust is not healed in a single conversation. It may take time for the other person to trust us again, and it may not happen at all. But with our anger under control, our lives can move forward and we can build rich, new relationships without the constant low rumble of anger and fear.
You have nothing to lose but your anger; you have everything to gain. Call Dr. Fibus for a free phone consult at 818.395.2832.
What’s More Important, Your Anger or Your Relationships?
Just like everyone else, angry people need love. Unfortunately, their anger is almost certain to drive a wedge into their relationships and prevent them from getting the love they need. That, in turn, makes them more angry and earns them less love. And so on. It’s a dangerous trap that can ultimately leave a very angry person entirely alone in the world.
When they see our anger, the people in our lives – our families, friends, even co-workers and casual acquaintances – feel a sense of alarm. They may not be able to identify their reaction; maybe they just take a step back, or hear an internal warning to be cautious. Perhaps they shut down, become quiet and, like a small animal in the face of danger, try to become invisible.
We may sense their withdrawal and crank up our anger a notch, getting louder and more aggressive to get their attention, to get a response, to connect.
But when our anger is out of control, we cannot connect. Connection requires a two-way exchange. It requires trust, sharing, listening and mutual support. That doesn’t mean we are not allowed to be angry. Not at all. But anger, like other emotions and experiences in a relationship, must become part of the conversation. And before it can do that, we have to learn and practice the language of communication and sharing.
Until we are ready to release our grip on anger, we will have damaged, lopsided, unfulfilling relationships.
You decide: Is it more important to stay angry or to be loved?
If you are ready to release anger and emerge from loneliness, call Dr. Fibus for a free phone consult at 818.395.2832.