Characteristics of a Conscious Marriage
A conscious marriage is defined as a marriage that fosters maximum psychological and spiritual growth. This kind of marriage is created by becoming conscious and cooperating with the fundamental drives of the unconscious mind: to be safe, healed, and whole.
There are ten main characteristics of a conscious marriage. They are as follows:
1. You realize that your love relationship has a hidden purpose – the healing of childhood wounds.
In a marriage, there are many surface-level needs and desires. However, it is important to recognize the underlying childhood issues that trigger them. Insight of this kind can add more meaning to your daily interactions with each other and will lead to a greater sense of control within the relationship.
2. You create a more accurate image of your partner.
When your relationship first began, each of you fused the other with an image of your primary caretaker as a child. As you progress in your relationship, you begin to shed those original illusions and see a more accurate picture of the person in front of you. You no longer see your partner as your savior, but another wounded individual, equal to you.
3. You take responsibility for communicating your needs and desires to your partner.
It is a common mistake in a marriage for each you to believe that the other should just know what your needs and desires are. However, psychic couples are rare and communication is key to a successfully conscious marriage. In a conscious marriage, you accept the fact that you will need to communicate in order to get your needs met.
4. You become more intentional in your interactions.
Instead of reacting without thinking, you begin to take more deliberate actions. When your interactions become more intentional, you use higher levels of thinking and employ self-control and critical thinking to deal with situations.
5. You learn to value your partner’s needs and wishes as highly as you value your own.
In an unconscious marriage, you assume that your partner’s main role is to take care of your needs. Over time, you can gain a conscious view in which you see the narcissistic nature of your previous perspective. You begin to give more of your energy to meet your partner’s needs.
6. You embrace the dark side of your personality.
Once you enter into a conscious marriage, you begin to acknowledge the fact that you do, in fact, have negative traits. The more you accept this, the less you will project your negative traits onto your spouse.
7. You learn new techniques to satisfy your basic needs and desires.
You begin to learn that age-old nagging is not as effective as you might have hoped and begin to explore other options for getting your needs yet. Your partner absolutely can be a resource for you as long as your tactics involve communication and self-control.
8. You search within yourself for the strengths and abilities you are lacking.
A large factor in initially being attracted to your partner was the fact that he or she possessed qualities that you lacked. Therefore, you felt whole with your partner. However, the conscious marriage promotes self-improvement and finding strength within yourself instead of within your partner.
9. You become more aware of your drive to be loving and whole and united with the universe.
In a conscious marriage, you feel secure and loved enough to explore other areas of ability and interest. Because of this, the possibilities are endless in what you can achieve for yourself, including a more whole practice of loving those and the world around you.
10. You accept the difficulty of creating a good marriage.
In an unconscious marriage, you believe the key to a successful marriage is finding the right partner. In a conscious marriage, you begin to realize the key to a successful marriage is to be the right partner. You realize that a good marriage requires commitment, discipline, and courage to grow and change.
By accepting the characteristics of a conscious marriage, you can create a deep, loving, and ever-growing relationship with your partner that will yield years of self-growth and understanding.
(Source: Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D)
Dr. Fibus, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, relationship coach, anger management specialist, educator and California State Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist.
Criticism in Your Relationship
Criticism from someone you love can be particularly hurtful, especially from a romantic partner. However, not all criticism is meant purely to harm. Many times criticism from our spouse or partner can be helpful and aiding us in recognizing our true selves and making changes to enhance ourselves.
Below are some basic principles in criticism from partners and how they can be beneficial.
Principle 1: Most of your partner’s criticisms of you have some basis in reality.
This may a difficult pill to swallow but the truth of the matter is that much of the criticism you receive from your partner, the one who knows you best, is based in truth. There, of course, is a gentle and constructive way of delivering such criticism. But no matter how the information was expressed, the simple message may hold some truth. So, the next time your partner gives you criticism, instead of perpetuating an argument, take a moment to think. Is he or she right on some level? If so, how do you feel about that? Are there any steps you can take to change the truth?
Principle 2: Many of your repetitious, emotional criticisms of your partner are disguised statements of your own unmet needs.
Communication is an essential yet difficult part of any romantic relationship. We naturally fear rejection in the face of confrontation, making the communication of our true thoughts and feelings challenging.
Many times, our emotional guards go up and we respond to our unmet needs by misdirecting our emotions. We may be upset that our partner has been neglecting our need for intimacy. However, rather than clearly communicating this, we criticize our partner’s habit of sitting on the couch after work. Although the fact that he or she is sitting on the couch instead of demonstrating intimacy, we are incapable and voicing our true gripe.
The next time you feel the urge to criticize your partner’s behavior, take a step back and ponder the true reason for you dissatisfaction. You may be surprised by what lies behind the emotion.
Principle 3: Some of your repetitive, emotional criticisms of your partner may be an accurate description of a disowned part of yourself.
Have you ever been angry with yourself for not doing something and then yelled at your partner as a reaction?
Similarly, many of the criticisms we regularly fault our partner for may actually be a reflection of our feelings on ourselves. It is common practice for us to project our own issues onto others as a way of protecting ourselves from hurt. But this type of avoidance can hinder us from reaching our full potential and negatively affect our relationships.
The next time that you yell at your partner for something again, take a moment to explore your part in the situation. Are you actually the culprit? If so, what can be done to end your feelings of upset?
Principle 4: Some of your criticisms of your partner may help you identify your own lost self.
Through our lives, we lose parts of ourselves in the acquisition of more knowledge, social stimulation, and romantic intimacy. Some of the criticism you hear from your partner may come as shocking. Your partner says you are uptight but a decade ago, all of your friends labeled you the laid-back one in the group. Taking a moment to reflect on this disconnect between the image you are portraying and the self-image you hold may help you to unite the aspects of yourself you once lost.
Criticism can be a true growth process if we approach it from a positive, healing perspective and can open us up to a more fulfilling, truthful romantic relationship.
(Source: Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D)
Dr. Fibus, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, relationship coach, anger management specialist, educator and California State Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist.
The Power Struggle
Change the Scenery to Change the Argument
The Power Struggle
At some point in every romantic relationship, the honeymoon phase wears off and a power struggle begins. This new relationship phase differs from couple to couple. Some experience it after they say “I do.” Some experience it once there is a ring involved. Others experience it the minute things become serious in the relationship. No matter the time frame, a shift occurs in the regular relationship dynamic. No longer is each member of the couple tip-toeing around to keep the other person happy. At this point, expectations are increased. However, despite this drastic shift, the changes are hardly ever discussed!
So what are some of these new expectations? They vary in each individual depending on their upbringing. The female member of a heterosexual couple may suddenly expect her male counterpart to perform the same household tasks her father did, such as balancing the checkbook, taking out the trash, and cleaning the gutters. Likewise, the male member of the couple may expect his female companion to cook, clean, and sprinkle breadcrumbs on the macaroni and cheese because this is how his mother did things.
Although some of these tasks may come naturally to each person and they may find themselves happy to do them, other demands may seem out of place. Since none of these expectations were agreed upon prior to the relationship shift, these demands can be the cause for a good deal of tension within the relationship.
This newfound tension will most likely lead to a realization that our partner is not exactly how we thought they were. For example, you may have been inspired by your partner’s free-spirited nature at the beginning, but it now reminds you more of laziness and a lack of responsibility. This is where the first of the three parts of the power struggle begins.
1. Anxiety Within Ourselves
Now that our partner’s once beloved traits are now irksome, our unconscious begins to sense something all too familiar. Our partner begins to make us feel anxious by stirring up forbidden parts of ourselves. These forbidden parts are the aspects of our self-image that we do not entertain due to their negative connotation.
When our partner’s habits begin to take a negative turn, we identify with them, realizing that our partner is not making us completely whole and making up for what we lack. This realization, despite being below the surface of consciousness, brings us to a new level of anxiety about our relationship and ourselves.
2. Similarities to Negative Traits of Our Parents
Not only do these realizations about our partner make us anxious over the similarities to forbidden aspects of ourselves, we also begin to see similarities between our partners and our parents. Our unconscious screams in fury because it deliberately chose this person to resolve childhood issues, not relive them! However, more often than not, negative similarities between our partner and our parents can be found.
3. Denied Negative Traits
The final aspect of the power struggle involves seeing our own denied negative traits in our partner. These are traits that we disowned long ago, not wanting to be associated with such things. For the most part, these are creative adaptations of childhood wounds. No wonder we try to ignore them!
Many of these traits come from our parents at an early age. We take them in as our own without even knowing it but also find them appalling enough to reject. Still, they remain a part of us and our unconscious is aware of that. Therefore, we set out to reclaim these traits in our partner. Our unconscious deliberately seeks out these traits when looking for a potential romantic partner. Despite the negative aspects of these traits, they are still a part of our self-image that is always yearning to be complete.
With all three of these aspects of the power struggle now in play, the illusion of romantic love begins to slowly erode in the relationship. Instead, conflict begins both consciously and unconsciously. First comes shock. Then denial. And finally, betrayal. This stage can be overcome by time and patience. At this point, it yields to bargaining. Couples can use this time to communicate needs and negotiate expectations in a healthy, productive way. However, if a level of communication and understanding is not met during this time, the end result can be the final stage: despair. In this stage, there is no longer hope of finding happiness within the relationship. At this point, many couples withdraw from each other completely and file for divorce.
What stage are you in?
(Source: Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D)
Dr. Fibus, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, relationship coach, anger management specialist, educator and California State Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist.
This Old Brain
How many times have you apologized for something by saying, “I wasn’t thinking!” Well, although it seems like a reasonable explanation for your poor behavior, it is not true! The unconscious mind gives you the material for many thoughts, actions, and behaviors without letting you in on the reasoning behind it. It may not seem fair, but this process has existed since our ancestors and their more primitive brains ruled the earth. In fact, the remnants of their brains, the “old brain,” is the key player in our unconscious.
These unconscious processes contribute to a lot of our everyday lives, including our romantic relationships. In fact, a lot of our reasons for choosing a particular mate come from our unconscious. Although this may sound impossible and you feel 100% sure you consciously chose the person you share your life with, let us first take a look at the physiological construct of our old brain and how it affects us in our everyday lives.
The brain can be divided into three layers. The first layer of the brain is the brain stem. The brain stem is the inner and most primitive layer. This part of the brain oversees reproduction, self-preservation, and vital functions like the circulation of blood, breathing, sleeping, and the contraction of muscles in response to external stimulation. The brain stem is located at the base of the skull and is sometimes referred to as the “reptilian brain” due to the fact that all vertebrates from reptiles to mammals share this portion of the anatomy. A good way to look at the brain stem is as the source for physical action.
The second part of the brain juts out of the brain stem in the shape of the wishbone. This area is called the limbic system. The function of the limbic system is to generate vivid emotions. It is possible for scientists to stimulate this area of the brain and provoke emotions like anger and aggression in animals. The old brain includes both the brain stem and the limbic system, creating a system of physical action and emotion to drive us daily.
The final area of the brain is called the cerebral cortex. The cerebral cortex is a large mass of brain tissue that surrounds the two other sections. This section of the brain is divided into four regions. These regions are also referred to as lobes. At this site, most of our cognitive functions are performed. This area of the brain helps you make decisions, think, observe, plan, anticipate, respond, organize information, and create ideas. This part of you is conscious, alert, and in contact with your surroundings. For this reason, the cerebral cortex is the “new brain.” The new brain is essentially logical, attempting to find causes for effects and effects for causes.
In contrast to the new brain, the old brain performs functions of which you are most likely unaware. The main function of the old brain is self-preservation and survival, something we maintain without even thinking about it. Most of us spend our days planning events, solving problems, and observing the world around us. How often do we stop and think, oh I sure am breathing right now! Not much. This demonstrates our constant awareness of our new brain but not our old brain.
The old brain has little awareness of the outside world. The only stimuli that alert the old brain are whether a particular person is someone to nurture, be nurtured by, have sex with, run away from, submit to, or attack. The old brain also has no sense of linear time. A situation attached to an emotion that occurred ten years ago lives on in the unconscious like it is happening now, accounting for much of our out-of-whack and out-of-proportion reactions to everyday situations.
For example, suppose you are a middle-aged man working at a large company. You landed a large client during your meeting today and are eager to share the news with your wife when you get home. However, when you arrive home, your wife has left a note saying she’ll be working late. Instead of waiting patiently to tell her the news and enjoying the time to yourself, you feel outraged! You expected her to be there and you feel utterly abandoned. Is this because your wife is an hour late getting home today or because you were a latch-key kid growing up, coming home deflated every day to an empty house despite the fact you were bursting to tell stories of your school day?
So how does this all apply to our unconscious mate selection? Take a second to think back through your longest romantic relationship. Was there ever a time (or many times!) you looked at your partner and thought to yourself: oh my gosh, I’m dating/married to my mother/father! Most likely, you have experienced this. The reason this realization is so common is due to the fact that many of us unconsciously select mates who remind us of the people who raised us. Our old brain, with no concept of time or space, is trying to re-create the environment of our childhood: the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Why would your old brain want to cling so intently to your childhood? Purely for healing purposes! The old brain is trying to resurrect the past due to a need to heal old childhood wounds, whatever they may be.
So, the next time you feel attracted to a potential partner, consider all the elements of which you are aware that contribute to your attraction. But that je ne sais quoi? Blame that on the old brain, working ever so hard to make up for the past!
(Source: Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D)
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Theories of Attraction
It has happened to all of us at some time or another. We know someone is “wrong” for us. Our friends tell us so and various parts of their personality annoy us but something about it just seems…right! It can be baffling why we are attracted to certain people and for decades scientists have conducted research to find out why. Although there is no conclusive evidence of which theory is entirely correct, here are some of the leading thoughts on attraction. Which one do you believe?
The Biological Theory
Many biologists believe that courtship behavior is hardwired within us. In this evolutionary view of love, we select mates based on instinct rather than compatibility. The basis of this mate selection? Survival, of course! These scientists believe that we instinctively select mates who will enhance the survival of our species.
These desirable survival traits differ greatly in men and women. According to this theory, men are hard-wired to be attracted to youth and health. Traditionally, this is instinctively viewed as classically beautiful women with clear skin, bright eyes, shiny hair, good bone structure, and rosy cheeks and lips. These telltale signs of youth and health indicate to a potential mate that the woman is in the peak of her childbearing years. In this theory, the female’s contribution to the survival of humankind is carrying and raising children. Suddenly, 80-year-old millionaires courting 20-something blondes makes more sense, doesn’t it?
As for the women, they select male counterparts for different biological reasons. Youth and physical health are not essential for the male reproductive role. Instead, pronounced power is seen as desirable. A man who exudes an “alpha” quality is perceived to possess the ability to dominate other males and protect the woman and her children. This side of the theory also supports the 80-year-old millionaire/20-something blonde couples in that it suggests that the wealth and power of the man, despite his lack of peak health, provides security and protection for the woman and whatever offspring they might manage to have.
Although this theory accounts for the instinctive need for continuing our species, it does not touch upon the human ability to think and feel. However, the next theory of attraction makes up for what the biological theory lacks.
The Exchange Theory
This theory finds its basis in social psychology, an area of study that examines human thought and feeling processes in a context of social interaction. The basic idea of this theory of exchange is that we select mates who are essentially our equals. In this theory, we use our human reasoning to size up potential mates, checking off a mental list of requirements as we go. Is he tall? Check. Successful? Check. Funny? Oh…nope. Time to start over!
When we finally find someone who seems to equal us in important traits and qualities, we swoop in to snatch them up before the person next to us finishes their mental checklist and then we live happily ever after!
This theory is a little more multidimensional than the biological theory, presenting many factors that make up our mate selection. Although beauty, youth, health, and power are part of it, the exchange theory suggests that each individual’s criteria for mate selection is unique and varies in importance. However, this theory does not take into account how we feel when we are with the person, just the initial attraction.
Enter theory number three.
The Persona Theory
This theory of attraction adds another dimension to the idea of romantic attraction. The persona theory suggests that a key part of mate selection is the way a potential partner enhances our self-esteem. Each of us has a persona, or mask, that we present to the world as an enhanced version of ourselves. This theory maintains that we select a mate who will enhance and maintain this image. Many of us have experienced this. We feel a sense of pride or possibly embarrassment when seen out in public with a partner. This can greatly affect the level of both initial attraction and attraction throughout the relationship.
All three of these theories seek to understand and explain some aspects of romantic love. However, they all leave some questions unanswered. What about the varying intensities of love? The idea of opposites attracting?
In fact, what about the emotional upset that comes from the end of relationships? Many relationships end in both partners feeling a degree of anxiety and self-pity. However, all of these theories suggest that the end of one mate selection would merely lead to another round of searching! Apparently, more research must be done to account for this.
Another puzzling aspect of romantic attraction is how discriminating our tastes are when we are in selecting mates. Although the exchange theory touches upon the uniqueness of each person’s mate requirement list, it does not account for the specificity of the list. Think about your own dating history. You have most likely met thousands of people throughout your lifetime. How many of those thousands did you consider for a mate? Five? Ten? Twenty? Based on these theories, you would have fallen for a lot more of these people! Something in us makes incredibly picky when it comes to our potential mates.
And lastly, as we hear time and time again, history repeats itself. Dating is no different. Out of the handful of people you haven chosen to consider for a mate, were they all vastly different from each other? Chances are that your answer to that question is no. Many times we are attracted to people who resemble one another quite closely.
The bottom line seems to be that, when combined, these three theories take into account many of the unique aspects that make up human romantic attraction. However, there seems to be a long way to go in complete answers to all of our mating questions. Through all of this, though, a couple things do seem quite apparent: First, it appears that each one of us is searching for a mate with very particular set of positive and negative personality traits.
And second, it seems as though dating is just as complicated as we all thought!
(Source: Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D)
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Change the Scenery to Change the Argument
Change the Scenery to Change the Argument
Have you ever stepped into your childhood home and been flooded with memories of earlier days or driven past your old office and shuttered, suddenly hearing the yells and demands of your former boss? We have all had some experience like this, where a location triggers thoughts, sounds, or smells that occurred for us within their walls long before. This happens because, over time, we begin to associate places with the emotions and events we have experienced there.
The locations in which you argue with your spouse are no different. Having heated discussions in the same familiar arena can steer their course and outcome in the direction of the last argument there and the one before that, leaving you in a continuous cycle of familiar negative emotions and a lack of resolution. So, how do you stop the cycle? Change the location!
To start the process of changing the scenery, sit down with your spouse when you are not arguing and together decide a location in which conflict seems silly or difficult to maintain. Maybe yelling at each other while standing in the bathroom is so preposterous that you are both unable to continue the level of tension and deescalate into a reasonable discussion. Maybe speaking harshly while sitting in a crowded coffee shop is so embarrassing that you both force yourselves to calm down. Whatever location works best for you as a couple, write it down and agree to save conflicts until you get there. Be sure to have a back up location if it is possible that something could keep you from the first one.
Once you have decided on a location, put your plan into action. At the first sign of conflict, stop and say “bathroom” or “coffee shop.” It may take all the self-control you can muster to travel there without further conflict, but keep in mind the effects this method can have on the outcome of the argument and the benefits it can bring to your marriage. After you arrive at the location, begin the discussion again and let the change in scenery naturally affect the level of tension. If the location is effective, it should bring you both to a state of greater clarity and sensibility regarding the issue and should diffuse much of the conflict. If this does not occur, consider another location.
Continue this technique every time you feel that argument starting in the bedroom or car or wherever it is you argue. After awhile, the new location will also trigger emotions from previous experiences there. However, unlike the anger and frustration you felt in the other location, these emotional memories will trigger a decrease in conflict and invite an open, rational conversation that will settle the issue and set the tone for a more understanding and fulfilling marriage.
Dr. Fibus, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, relationship coach, anger management specialist, educator and California State Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist.
The Media Marriage
When you turn on the television or open a magazine, married couples, both real and fictional, are all around you. Some of them are shown in stable, happy relationships where love governs their mutual decisions. Others are depicted in bitter divorces with lies, infidelity, and deceit. Although these two extremes are possibly realistic illustrations of some marriages, for the most part, couples fall somewhere in the middle. The problem with the prominence of these media marriages is the unrealistic expectations they set on relationships.
The first extreme in the media marriage is the fairy tale marriage. The television/movie characters or celebrities in the relationship show no signs of discord in the marriage. They describe themselves as madly in love, hold hands everywhere they go, and share all the same interests.
The fairy tale marriage is a poor model for relationships because no marriage is perfect. Even in healthy relationships, couples will argue, get hurt, and disagree. The emphasis should be placed on how a couple handles these issues rather than whether or not they will arise. Along those lines, no two people will have the exact same interests. You may love tennis while your partner prefers golf. Different interests help foster independence within the relationship and mutual respect for each other’s individual talents.
The second extreme in the media marriage is the train wreck marriage. We have all heard of these celebrity marriages where the couple throws things at each other, has multiple affairs, and divorces before the wedding cake reaches the freezer. Although the discord can be entertaining for the public to follow, the train wreck marriage also sets a bad example for couples. Unlike the fairy tale marriage, it does give a glimpse into the fact that couples do argue and divorce can occur. However, this media marriage acts as a poor model for how to effectively communicate and portrays marriage in such a chaotic, negative way that it could possibly deter others from marrying at all.
Although these two types of marriages are everywhere in the media today, they are not accurate portrayals of marriages within the general population. If you want guidance and direction in improving your marriage, talk to your partner directly about what changes would help the relationship. Couples counseling can be a wonderful aid in this process, helping you improve your communication, intimacy, and overall happiness. Instead of looking to media marriages as guides on how marriages should be, use them for what they are meant to be: entertainment.
Making Your Marriage “Exception”-al
When you are having problems in your marriage, it is easy to point out all the things wrong with the relationship. “ He never listens when I tell him about my day.” “She always yells before I have a chance to explain myself.”
We say statements like this regularly within our relationships, but are they completely true? He never listens? Ever? She always yells? Chances are that there are some exceptions to these statements and you can recall at least one time there was an exception. If this is true, you have just taken one step closer to improving your marriage by looking at the exception.
Finding the exception can help your marriage in a number of ways.
1. Exceptions Shrink Problems
It only takes acknowledging one exception to shrink your problems. Allowing yourself to take into account the one time your partner did make the change you requested eliminates the rigid black-and-white thinking associated with these generalizations. You are now able to realize that your problems are not as monumental as you once thought. Emphasizing what has worked opens the possibility to making the situation recur.
2. Exceptions Demonstrate That People Are Changeable
When an exception is found, suddenly, all those traits in your partner that seemed fixed and unchangeable have the potential for growth. Exceptions demonstrate that there is a way to go forward in changing problems.
3. Exceptions Supply Solutions
Since recalling exceptions involves describing when something worked out the way you desired, part of the solution to your problem is directly in front of you: the end result. In this way, exceptions supply solutions. You and your partner can devise the best plan to work up to the end result but, by recalling the exception, you can visualize what goal you are working toward.
4. Focusing on Strengths Strengthens
Focusing on the exceptions can empower you as a couple. You are able to identify that things are not all terrible in the relationship. You are doing things right! By identifying the strengths, you not only change your outlook on the problem at hand but also on the marriage as a whole, creating a more satisfying, positive experience.
So, the next time you are ready to accuse your partner of always or never doing something, think carefully. If you focus on the exception, you could find yourself on your way to a more successful relationship.
(Source: Divorce Busting by Michele Weiner-Davis)
Finding the “Me” in “We”
Over time, it can become very easy to lose yourself within your relationship. You are accustomed to saying “we,” “our,” and “us” to describe yourself and your activities. “We love that restaurant.” “That song means a lot to us.” “It’s our secret recipe.” But at one point, there was only “I,” “my,” and “me.” What happened to that person?
Many times we can begin to rely on our partner for our happiness. He or she needs to follow through with accompanying you to events, maintain a cheerful mood, and reward you for a job well done in order to keep you content. But that is a lot to ask of one person! So, maybe it is time to regain your happiness from inside yourself and your partner can come along for the ride but this time as a passenger and not the driver.
Regaining your own identity in your relationship can begin with taking small steps.
1. Begin With the Basics
What is your favorite color? Food? Band? Ask any elementary-schooler these questions and he or she will eagerly list off the answers with enthusiasm. But over time, we can be swayed by the many people in our lives and our own, personal answers can become lost. So, try to recall the basics of what you know about your likes and dislikes in order to start to regain a sense of where you stand on even the simplest of things.
2. Explore the Possibilities
Now the fun part begins! What questions about yourself did you have difficulty answering? Well, now it is time to answer them. Explore all the possibilities until you learn what you like and dislike. Maybe you are not completely sure what your favorite color is. Go to a paint store and walk down the aisles. What stands out to you? What makes you cringe? Once you figure out your favorite, reward yourself by purchasing or creating something in that hue. Begin to incorporate you into your home, office, and wardrobe. Do the same with activities. Learn which sports give you that athlete’s high or which museums inspire you to become a member.
3. Set Goals for Individual Growth
Once you have a solid foundation of who you are as an individual at this very moment, begin to look toward the future. What do you want to do, learn, read, create, or experience? Begin to put the plans into action!
By rediscovering your identity as an individual, you are able to create your own, independent happiness without the constant help of your partner, leading to a more fulfilling relationship for both of you.
Feeling Angry? We Have Solutions.
We’ve all had the feeling that creeps up when things don’t go our way. The car in front of you stops short. Your cat rips your favorite shirt. There aren’t any cookies left in the jar. Then comes the feeling. For some people, it feels like heat rising inside the body. For others, it begins with shaking and ends with hitting. Maybe you call it frustration, irritation, or unhappiness. Maybe it’s the trigger that leads you to eat, drink, yell, or punch. Whatever you call it and however it affects you, anger happens to all of us.
If being angryis normal, why is it bad for us? First, our anger can negatively affect our relationships. When we’re angry, our interactions with others change. We misinterpret innocent comments, verbally or physically attack those around us, and perpetuate the anger cycle. Although everyone has a bad day once in awhile, repeated episodes of angry outbursts can severely break bonds with friends, family members, and coworkers and can result in isolation and depression.
Second, anger can take a toll on your body, as well. When we’re angry, our heart rate increases, blood pressure rises, and body tenses. We wear ourselves out! This not only leads to instant fatigue, but it can lower our immune systems, making us more prone to sickness and disease.
Luckily, anger can be controlled with some knowledge and practice. Anger management with a professional counselor or coach can provide you with the tools to recognize your anger triggers, bring your body to a relaxed state, and avoid negative social, mental, and physical consequences. A professional can also help you uncover the roots of your anger and aid you in making peace with issues of the past.
So, how do you know if you should seek help? Although each individual differs, some signs of anger issues are:
• Trouble with authorities
• Repeated angry outbursts
• Frequent arguments with others
• Physical fighting
• Breaking, throwing, or hitting objects
If you or someone you know experiences any of these symptoms, treatment is encouraged. Treatment can be in either group or individual form. Anger management classes occur in a group setting, providing both information and social support to decrease symptoms of anger. Individual anger management counseling is also highly effective, providing one-on-one attention and personalized tools.
Dr.Fibus provides multiple options for anger management treatment in his Sherman Oaks office. If you are experiencing difficulty controlling your anger and live in Los Angeles or cities such as Studio City please contact Contact Us Dr. Fibus today.