Anger and the Power of Apology
In 12-step programs, such as Alcoholics Anonymous, Steps 8 and 9 require the participant to make a list of those they have harmed, to become willing to make amends and then to make direct amends to those people, unless such an apology would cause injury.
In the process of emerging from our anger, this is a very important step. If we have injured others, emotionally or physically, and we are making productive steps toward managing our anger, we might be inclined to think that others will notice and welcome us back warmly. But that’s not the case. We weren’t angry all the time. Sometimes we were in good humor or affectionate; other times, without warning, we’d be fuming or violent. Little wonder that those close to us can’t be expected to think that our good behavior is here to stay.
What we must do is apologize to create a line of demarcation between our old, unconscious, angry behavior and our new, conscious and caring behavior.
Apologizing can be very challenging. We believe we have been righteous in our anger and to apologize seems like a terrible failure. It’s not. It’s a sign of deep compassion, intelligence and strength.
An apology does not mean that we must accept blame for everything that has ever happened between us. It means that we acknowledge the reality that we have hurt this other person in some way, that we accept responsibility for our own actions, that we make steps to heal our habits and relationships and that we can be trusted not to repeat those earlier mistakes.
To apologize sincerely we must put ourselves in the other person’s position and experience our own anger from their point of view. Then, from that compassionate perspective, we can begin to formulate a meaningful, sincere and lasting apology.
Our apology must be specific to the person. “I’m sorry if I ever hurt you” may sound nice, but it is not specific. Words such as “I see now that when I was angry I consistently blamed you for things you didn’t do and I was not honest with you about my own fears” could be an example of a more specific apology.
We also need to be specific about what we’re going to do that’s different. Making amends is not just “lip service.” It’s part of a larger anger-management process. How are we going to heal this relationship? What specific actions are we going to take to show this person that we are committed to change?
Making amends is a way of standing up for ourselves without being angry. It is an essential part of our healing, even if we don’t get the reaction we’re hoping for.
Damaged trust is not healed in a single conversation. It may take time for the other person to trust us again, and it may not happen at all. But with our anger under control, our lives can move forward and we can build rich, new relationships without the constant low rumble of anger and fear.
You have nothing to lose but your anger; you have everything to gain. Call Dr. Fibus for a free phone consult at 818.395.2832.
Posted in: Anger Management
Recent Posts:
for your initial free
10 minute phone
consultation!
818.395.2832
this form today!